SOUDER: Up, down, in & out – but keeping politically correct

With the Republican presidential primaries in full swing and the annual “State of the Union” address this week, some of you might have been expecting a column focusing on political matters.  However, at least for this week, I am going to employ the rule that my mother always told me and that I’m guessing most of your mothers told you: If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all. 

So, while I’m sure I won’t be able to remain silent until November, today I’ll go a different direction.

Readers who remember when rotary phones hung on walls and when you had to get up to change the television channel (to one of other two or three options) will no doubt remember the 1969 Blood, Sweat, and Tears song “Spinning Wheel” and it’s familiar opening line – “What goes up must come down” (go ahead and sing, it’s ok… “ride a painted pony let the spinning wheel spin”).

I looked up the words to the song, and I think it was supposed to be an encouragement to those whose lives are “down” at the moment that if they just hold on, things will get better. Or maybe it was just an ode to the law of gravity.  Regardless, most of us have experienced the general truth of the song’s opening line – what goes up eventually does come down (except for maybe the National Debt, but I’m not going there…today).

There is another similar truth: What goes in, comes out. This was drilled into me by my computer instructor, back in the olden days of DOS and TRS-80s (if you don’t know what those are, ask someone who had a rotary phone) when we actually learned how to program computers.

The point was that the computer did only what you told it to do – no more and no less. To get the desired “output” you had to make sure that the “input” was correct.

The “what goes in, comes out” rule has many applications beyond the realm of computer science.  For example, a while back I had the “opportunity” to have a colonoscopy.  (And, for 24 hours of pure fun and excitement, I heartily recommend it to everyone.) 

For those of you who don’t know, there are “preparations” that have to be done the day before, which include drinking a gallon of a liquid euphemistically called “Go-Lytely,” the effect of which is, let me assure you, anything but “light.”

As I went into the Rite-Aid to pick up this doctor-prescribed torture, the pharmacist filled the order, smiled sweetly and said, “Have a nice day!” 

I held up the bag and replied, “Not likely.”

The rest of that day was spent, without being too graphic, proving the “what goes in, comes out” rule, with disgusting liquid going in one end and…well, you get the idea.

The next morning I arose early to go to the hospital to have the test done.  Now, as you may or may not know, there are preparations that have to be done the day before, and then there are further preparations that must be done at the hospital to ensure that the previous day’s preparations have left the test area fully prepared.

Again, not wanting to be too graphic, these “game day” preparations are uncomfortable and embarrassing, requiring you to present your backside to a total stranger (thankfully) who administers the apparatus of further preparation.

After the first of these, the grandmotherly nurse (which is exactly the kind you want in this situation) told me to pull the cord in the restroom when I was done so that they could examine my “output” to make sure the test area was properly prepared.

However, when I had done so, a different nurse came in.  As I was heading back to the bed, she walked past me, then stopped short, looked up at me and said, “Oh, hi, Chuck, I know you!”

Trust me when I tell you that is not what you want to hear from your nurse in this situation.  In fact, conversation of any kind is unwelcome.

It turned out that she recognized me from high school, where she graduated a couple of years after me (and, not having seen me in more than 20 years, I must have left quite an impression).

Unfortunately, my “output” indicated that I was not fully prepared for my procedure and that I required further preparation.

As I lay there in total humiliation, my long-lost schoolmate, who was otherwise very professional, insisted upon asking things like, “Do you remember such and such?” (No.) 

“I saw so and so the other day at the mall.” (That’s nice.)

“Do you keep up with anyone from school?” (Not as much as I’d like.) 

Finally, I completed my preparations, had the procedure, and went home.  All of this – from the visit to the Rite-Aid to the discharge after the test – was extremely unpleasant and somewhat embarrassing.  Fortunately, the medicine they give you has an amnesiac effect, so I don’t remember any of it.

(And it’s a good thing, too.  If I remembered any of it, I might be tempted to use it in a newspaper column, and that would be inappropriate.)

Changing the subject (and none too soon, I know), this idea of “what goes in, comes out” has other applications that are more appropriate for polite company. 

Parents and coaches have used it to promote healthy eating habits.  Teachers use it to encourage students to study.

Another application came up just this week at our house. Our daughter is now of “iPod age” and enjoys listening to a variety of different music.  Because we are mean parents who actually care about our kids, we monitor her playlist. 

Sometimes this leads to family discussions – like the one we had this week – about what is appropriate and what isn’t.  And although our daughter may think we are subjecting her to “cruel and unusual punishment,” at the end of the day, the lesson we are trying to teach is simply that “what goes in, comes out.”

What goes in, comes out.  Or, as some put it – garbage in, garbage out.

This idea actually has its beginning much earlier than our mean parents or even the invention of the computer.  All the way back in the book of Proverbs, the Bible says, “As a man thinks in his heart, so he is.”  It really is true – whatever we put into our lives will eventually come back out.  That’s why the Bible also says (in Philippians 4:8), “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.”

This is good advice whether you are a preteen choosing music, a dad surfing the Web, a mom watching TV or just someone trying to create a better life.  If you don’t like your current “output,” check your input.  It might be the best thing you’ve ever done.

But, if checking your “output” ever requires a nurse – just hope she doesn’t know your name. 

Chuck Souder is on staff at Shelby Christian Church.  He can be reached at csouder@shelbychristian.org.